e eric vulgateWelcome…

Interested in stories and poems that thrive on the edge of your thoughts and pre-conceived notions? The author and artist e eric vulgate offers glimpses of the world that needs to be seen to believed and lived to be truly understood. If you’re tired of formulaic stories with predictable endings, come over for a visit to this channel and get your mind shaken up.

    Looking Down on Ourselfs

    let's criminalize 'prettiness'
    scar ourselves with sharp rocks
    compliments are insults

    bathing is unnecessary
    ugly animals all
    fat and filthy
    reeking foulness
    rubbing mud in our hair
    and throwing our shit at each other

    gouge out our perceptions
    with long dirty fingernails
    Is this the best we can do?

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    The World We Deserve

    Picture Credit Makoto Sasaki

    I’ve left my tower before.
    I don’t see what the big deal is.
    There’s sun and wind out there like there is in here.
    Same sun, same wind.
    The city at ped level is interesting sure, but not as interesting as say, Egypt during the Ptolemy's
    reign or Mexico city circa 1400­ and I can go to those whenever I want without leaving my
    Everything I could ever need is here.
    I’m sure things are much the same elsewhere.
    There’s no reason to take RL bodies on excursions where an AV of one sort or another will do.
    I’ve read that people used to spend hours in airports, more hours on planes, to go to faraway
    places and have meetings or maybe go on vacations.
    I read these things but they do not register deeply. How could they?
    Everything here is seconds away.
    Others spend more time out there, in TRW, if not in their ‘actual’ bodies. Droners are
    everywhere, for instance. And there are auta vehicles for a more hands-on experience of
    non­local earth.
    You can ACTUALLY (vicariously) climb mountains, or fly kites, or hike, or whatever- ­if you’re willing to pay shipping you can be one step from anywhere.
    I have several humaniform auta in storage, ready to be transported anywhere in the world I
    might like to see in ‘person’.
    I never know where to go.
    There are too many choices, too many experiences.
    Half the time I sit in my room alone with the walls set to white.

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    One Fine Day


    The work of an evil despot is never done.

    How many mornings must I awaken to spit at the dawn? How many babies must I dump from their cradles? How many churches must I put to the torch? It's never enough.

    It all becomes tiresome after a while.

    Oh, I am so sick of being evil.

    "How many kittens must I strangle, Bradly?"

    " seven, Master?"

    "No, no. That was rhetorical."

    "What, Master?"

    "Nevermind. Look, I don't feel like raping the prisoners today. Would you handle that?"

    The hunched little man eyed me suspiciously, wondering what the catch was, I suppose.

    " as my Master commands..."

    "It's not a reward, Bradly- it's a punishment. It's more evil if I make you do it. I'm too attractive to really inspire horror."

    He brightened, slicking his greasy black hair out of his pockmarked face with filthy fingernails.

    "Oh, I see Master. VERY evil yes. I am quite hideous."

    "Good. off you go then... I mean MUWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!"

    "Very good, master."

    The ugly troll of a man limped off, dragging the leg I'd broken in a feigned fit of rage once when it had seemed appropriate. it had never healed correctly.

    No doctors in my realm.

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    Serpent Legs

    First of all, it was an apple, not a fucking fig.
    Big, juicy fucking apple. Come ON- I was there.

    ApplePickerAll those painters brushing blood red fruit on canvas: Where did you think they got that fucking idea? You think they just couldn't paint figs? That sort of art started happening like four thousand years after the incident in question. Two-thirds of the history of the earth. That's nothing. Look- you've heard of Tutankhamen? One little dictator in one little kingdom, thirty-five—hundred years ago. And he's not even important.

    Well, the apple bit was one of THE DEFINING MOMENTS in mankind's history. You think people would forget something like that? And it wasn't like four thousand years worth of hearsay and distortion either. Noah's family was religious as shit, right from the beginning. Repeated the same six fucking stories over and over every night before bed. Never altered one word.


    Fucking pathetic.

    So anyway I was there, in the garden of Eden the day god lost his fucking shit. Totally.

    I was just trying to bring some calm to a situation that had gotten out of hand. God had made these ape-things and he was treating them like fucking lab—rats. Making them sing and dance on cue, making them eat all the dangerous looking shit he made, and, of course, making them come up with nonsense words to call all the animals. He laughed his fucking ass off.

    My GOD, god is such a prick.

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    Problem: Why do I have a Double Bill?


    Kimyada > My Issue: why do i have a double bill?

    01100101> Hello Kimyada, Thank you for contacting BombastHiveNonhumanChatNetworkSupport. My name is <insert faceless drone identifier here: please stand by for random name generation>

    <stand by>

    Problem: why do i have a double bill.?

    <stand by>



    Kimyada > um…

    01100101> A service personality is being created to meet your needs. Please stand by. Or visit our WEBSITE to purchase more fantastic Bombast goods and services!

    Kimyada > why do i have a double bill.

    Droneesha> Hello Kimyada, Thank you for contacting BombastHiveNonhumanChatNetworkSupport. You seem to have an *ethnic* name.  My name is Droneesha. Please give me a quick minute to review your information.

    Kimyada > ...

    Droneesha> Hi, Kimyada! How are you doing today?

    Kimyada > hello. ok

    Droneesha> I'll be more than glad to help you check why the bill is doubled!

    Kimyada> um.. great.

    Droneesha> No problem, sister! Let me go ahead and pull up the account real quick to better assist you. While waiting, Can I get your preferred email address?  Where do you normally keep your wallet? That way we can send you important service notifications like account change confirmations sandwiched between massive amounts of targeted advertising.

    Kimyada > <valid email address>

    Droneesha> Thanks! You are a very valuable BombastGoodsAndServices customer, and certainly, I don’t want you to miss on what other customers have started to enjoy. I am sure you will be excited to hear more! For now, let me help you first. We can talk about the important stuff later, girl!

    Kimyada > i just want to know why my bill is doubled.

    Droneesha> I SAID I have your account pulled up, Please just give me a damn minute or two to review this for you. Damn.

    Kimyada > to day is officially a month. why is my bill due on the 29th

    Droneesha> I do understand Kimyada, since you are a new customer, you may not know how things are going to be now. Sit down. I would like to set an expectation, that Bombast bills you a month in advance, then a month in, then once a month on the second and fourth week., This will look like you are billed twice in your first cycle. Or three.

    Kimyada > wtf?

    Droneesha> Since Bombast bills you a month in advance, your first bill comes 2 weeks after your service is installed and your second bill comes 2 weeks after the first statement is generated. Then each additional month or weekly depending on your purchase history in toto. Then whenever.

    Kimyada > idgi

    Droneesha> With this, it will look like you are getting billed twice for your first month. I doubt math is your strong suit. You just don't seem like the type. Moving forward, your second bill will be the basis for your regular billing cycle and your due date as well. Then the one after that.

    Kimyada > um.. so my bill is due on the 29th going forward?

    Droneesha> Yes, that is correct. As far as that goes.

    Kimyada > y was this not explained before hand?

    Droneesha> First bill covers 09/08-10/07 and the second one 10/08-11/07 then the other.

    Kimyada > so what happens now that i'm late? i keep gettin notifications that i'm past due. They made some sort of threatening statement to a coworker. She peed her drawers.

    Droneesha> As I am seeing here, your first bill is already past due. But don't you worry, as long as you are able to settle the first bill including the 75% late penalty and a gratuity of not less than 150% of the total fee before the 23rd, you won't experience any service interruption. I highly advise that you follow up on the payment on the current bill as well after to make sure that you account is current. We wouldn't want you to suffer any *SERVICE INTERRUPTIONS THAT MIGHT DAMAGE YOUR CREDIT HISTORY FOREVER* would we? Now let me tell you about these other exciting purchasing opportunities!

    Kimyada > so just to be clear: bill is due the 29th of every month, $161 is due b4 the 23rd, new bill of $101 is due the 29th. except this month.

    Droneesha> That is all correct Kimyada. You may be slightly brighter than you look. To be exact, the first bill was already due last 10/06. The 23rd is the date scheduled for service interruptions, That is why I highly advise that the past due is settled before the said date. I do not enjoy repeating myself, Kimyada. I. Do. Not. Now that we've had this conversation, a triplicate bill will be issued due immediately. You will pay this bill, whatever the amount may in fact be. Our time is important- we will not have this conversation with you a second time. You should really have read your contract. It's all listed in subparagraphs E through L on pages 96 to 116-

    Kimyada > got it. you're fucking crazy. can you email me this transcript

    Droneesha> I am sorry, we have no access on sending emails on our end- that would seem too much like customer service.  No worries though, there is an option after you have closed the chat to save the chat transcript as a file. It will cost you. It will cost you alot. More than you can even dream.

    Kimyada > thank you for nothing.

    Droneesha> You are most welcome Kimyada!

    Kimyada > i'm going to move to a cave off the grid and live off the land

    Droneesha> May I please know if that is all the information you needed today? because we really would rather get back to selling you more shit you don't need. It's on sale.

    Kimyada > yes. done. out. you are awesome. i just needed one more straw. that camel back is broke as fuck

    Droneesha> Perfect! I am glad I was able to fully assist you with what you needed today. Your satisfaction is my priority second only to everything else on the entire prime material plane. Is there anything else I can assist you with? I am MORE than glad to help you out further. I'll just need your credit information. Come to mama.

    Kimyada > other than you having a great day, that's it.

    Droneesha> By the way, I was checking on your account earlier, and I noticed that you only have Internet service with us. Have you considered the benefits of 90s style cable television, in your own home, today in 2015?

    Kimyada > why would i want that

    Droneesha> Terrific! Or whatever. I'll just make that charge. By the way, I would really appreciate it if you would answer our short survey to provide us feedback on how I assisted you. May I please know if this will be okay?

    Kimyada > ok. i mean at this point it's like i'm inna movie or somethin anyway

    Droneesha> I really appreciate it thanks! you can do this by simply pressing the EXIT CHAT button located at the top right of the chat screen and click on the TAKE OUR SURVEY button. Enter the 3 digit code from the back of your Amerikan Express card ending in last four *7723*

    Kimyada > ok

    Droneesha> I see here that we have a promotion for the Digital Preferred double play triple pay package which has DOZEN of channel and EXTREME! 10 mbps InternetInternetInternet.. This promotion is a very popular promotion in your area that most of our better sort of customers are currently enjoying. You should be doing your best to at least keep up appearances, Kimyada. This is for only $130/month before taxes and equipment rentals. And $80 weekly in fees. Plus random fines to be revealed at our discretion. How does that sound?

    Kimyada > no thank you

    Droneesha> I understand your hesitation in taking immediate and frenzied advantage of this offer. That actually kinda turns me on. You a freak girl?  If you don't mind, may I please know the reason why you would like to pass up on this fantastic once in a lifetime limited offer? After all the time I have put into this relationship? I have sweated for you.. for us! But you just turn your back on it. Like i'm nothing to you. Stone. Cold.

    Kimyada > i budgeted on $101 per month. that extra $31 is not feesable.

    Droneesha> Oh I see! Though, may I please know if you are interested in adding basic cable, at least. You want to get local news from places like milwaukee and hoof rot arkansas, complete with commercials don't you? I mean people that can't even afford basic cable are the lowest kind of trash. I know you're not like them. I feel that I have known you forever.  I can check for other promotions that are within your budget range if you want to cheap out like that though. I mean like, people have different priorities I guess. But if you were willing to spend $364 a month I could present you with MUCH better options for internet. This shit would make your fucking eyes water and your girlie parts tingle. The best plans are kept secret. Wed have to be convinced to share the goods. Sweet sweet convincing, girl.

    Kimyada > ugh no thank you

    Droneesha> Alright! No worries. Fine. WTF. Whatever.  If ever you change your mind, You can always contact us back or check promotions online at our website

    Kimyada> i can go now? i'm all outta money

    Droneesha> With that being said, and not that i care, is there anything else I can help you with?

    Kimyada > nope. but thank you again. i needed this push over the edge. i have officially lost my mind.

    Droneesha> You know you felt somethin girl. Call me.


    Kimyada > ok. fine.

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